Thursday, August 11, 2011

Peaceful Chaos

If there is one thing I know now that I did not know two years ago, is that having children does not make for always a peaceful atmosphere. Having added another one to our zoo recently has made "lack of peace" more concise to just say "chaos". It's not so bad until Jonathan comes back and I worry more about them driving him nuts as they continue their chorus of screaming than anything and before I know, I'm irritable with them and Jonathan is fine! I'm getting used to the extra vocals now with Jackson, but it is definately taking some getting used to. He's just lucky he's so cute and cuddly. =)
Recently my Bible reading was in Romans, chapter 4. It wasted no time in getting to what I needed.  "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:" Peace. Ahh the word itself makes me yearn for it. I have peace in salvation and my walk with the Lord. I know that I know that I know He is my Heavenly Father and that He has a place reserved for me in heaven someday. (All God's people said?) I also have a peace that He is ever with me and that if I confess my sins, He hears me when I pray. Glad I've got those nailed down.

It's the peace of knowing that we're where we're supposed to be, the peace knowing there is a home out there for us (before heaven hopefully??) and SOON, the peace knowing Emma will heal of her Arthritis, the peace that she won't have any bad side affects from the medicine she's on, the peace that Jackson will continue in good health, the peace that we can get rid of some old conflicts even if that means we will get some new ones, ETC. ETC. ETC. The list is lengthy. I yearn for peace with those things.

But my reading continued. "By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

I realized in one giant gulp, "We're not promised hope from the beginning!!" In the whole picture, we have hope through Christ ALWAYS, but there is a "To Do List" to go through before we REACH that hope and peace. We go through different tribulations and trials throughout our life. Before this trial I'm living in now, I had other things that would wear me down or make me feel sad. We're always going to have something. But it's THROUGH those things that we go through a series of transformations.

We start out by making the choice of whether or not to choose Jesus Christ to be our Savior and save us from eternal damnation. After that, if we choose Christ, we go down our path of life and we have problems. From that we learn patience as we go through those trials and from that we learn from our mistakes, from what we did right, and from what we've been through in general. It is after gaining patience and experience that we find hope. And I think that once you've been through that long road, you have more love and understanding towards those involved in those problems because of the love of Christ, Who worked in us the whole journey.

Now why does it have to be such a long road though? I don't know. I do wish I had a fast forward button to whisk me and my little family to our future house and life where we start living like a normal family again, but then I think, surely I would miss something a long the way that I wouldn't want to miss. I can say that now but you ask me fifteen minutes from now and I'll probably just start crying again. However, I know the truth. I just have to deny myself the undesireable luxury of basking in self-pity and self-inflicted sadness.

There is hope in Christ. There is hope in this situation I live in. I guess I just have to learn patience and experience first before I reach my finish line.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Like Mother, Like Baby

My son (sounds weird to say that since I just recently acquired one) is not a happy little man. I just don't remember Emma being so grumpy at life, but Jonathan assures me she was the same way. That encouraged me since I had obviously blocked out the memory, therefore I would probably do the same when my son, Jackson, gets older. But until then, it is constantly in my mind that the kid just does not love life (as my husband would say) in his new surroundings. He sleeps great at night, praise the Lord, but when he's awake or not eating during the day, he is screaming. His vocals actually sound more like a dog squeezing a little rubber chew toy, but either way, it is a very loud, squeaky sound.

And when he's hungry, the whole world knows it because the little rubber chew toy suddenly comes alive and ferociously becomes louder and just meaner. Yep, I have a mean little three week old who does not like life. It's funny though, (sometimes you just have to laugh you know) but I'll get his bottle ready and get it in his mouth, expecting instant bliss from my little squeaker, but the anger does not end. No, he is still angry even though he's got that bottle in his mouth and that nasty formula is dripping down his throat. It's not until a few seconds later (which seem like an eternity for dear ol' mom) that he gets the idea that he got what he wanted and he should stop squabling.

Do you see it yet? It dawned on me today when I experienced some hope in my life about our housing situation. I was instantly perked up at some possibilities (that did not involve living in a car or a cardboard box, which I was secretly entertaining the thoughts of in my head). However, if I were to freeze that moment and hit the rewind button, I would have hung my head a little as I watched myself moap and doubt, cry and complain.

There I would be, like my little Jackson, screaming and squeaking because I didn't have what I wanted when I wanted it. Then God gives you a little - or sometimes a whole mouthful - and me, not recognizing God's Hand, continues flailing and kicking. I think I find myself looking for the bleak first sometimes, rather than the positive because it's hard to bask in my selfishness and sorrow if I'm trying to be opptimistic. Finally, I get enough of a taste, like a little today, where it hits me that hey! The Lord is working and is going to do something! Oh my goodness, there is hope! Like it wasn't there before.

How the Lord must see me...no doubt, as an impatient, squeaky baby. Poor Jackson, he doesn't understand that I'm planning on taking care of the little guy until he gets old enough to do it himself, and I am planning on meeting his needs as best I can. Poor Sarah, how often she doubts the Lord, Who has never let her down.

Want to hear the WORST part? I can tell you these things I learn and truly believe them, but you just drop in sometime tomorrow, Lord willing, and I cannot promise you that I will be as opptimistic or as hopeful then. Please don't judge my lack of faith and my abundance of carnality...it takes over far too often and I take steps back that I know good and well I shouldn't take, but in order to nurse and comfort my impatience, it simply feels better to go back to my little security blanket of complaining and griping. Hopefully one day I can wean myself of that tattered blanket. So glad the Lord loves me...as also Jackson should be glad we love him with all that crying he does! =)

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." II Corinthians 12:9 (KJV)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Tattered Pieces & Tarnished Edges

I wanted to start writing this blog more for myself than for anyone else. All too often the Lord teaches me something and I reluctantly acknowledge the lesson, only to conveniently forget it so that I can either feel sorry for myself or complain later on when faced with a trial or concern. If no one reads this or any other entry, then that will be fine. It is accountability enough to know these things I've learned are out here on the web for me to look back and remember what the Lord has taught me and brought me through.

For this entry, I wanted to share a little of where I'm at right now and what astonishing state I have found my heart in.

We moved to Pennsylvania a year and almost two months ago. It was a ready change that Jonathan and I both felt we needed to make. Everything seemed to fit into place. Then life happens...as it does everybody...and we were faced with new challenges that, ready or not, we were and are supposed to go through. You know how it goes though - everyone goes through things that they feel is harder than anyone else ever has to go through, when really, when examined, others have it so much harder. Still, your trials are hard for you no matter what you know others deal with.

We moved in June and by July, there was definately something wrong with our little girl. Upon further investigation, she was diagnosed with JIA - Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis. They found the auto-immune disease in both of her knees, both ankles, and in one toe - enough joints that it was apparent it would not be an easy fix. We went through months of trying to get into the specialist, trying new medicines that had scary possible side-effects, and during this time, Emma quit being able to walk. It was a very trying time.

From there things would get worse in different areas of life and then they would lessen up and get a little better...once agian, normal life rollar-coaster moments. Though terribly grateful for a place to live, we have been living with my in-laws for currently one year and two months. Now I have wonderful in-laws, but there is a reason why the Bible says that a man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Everyone has different ways of doing things contrary to the way you think things should be done. That is a very present reality for us, but also, it's difficult when you've been out on your own - your own little family - and suddenly, you're not the Queen of the Castle anymore. You're in someone else's palace where they've been queen for a lot longer...it's their place, their kitchen, their food, their way of doing things and though they go out of their way to make you feel like you have a part in the kingdom, it's just not the same as being the queen in your very own castle. It's hard, I won't lie. And most hope of being our own little family again anytime soon seems to fade away as the days keep passing. That doesn't help either. There's so much we can endure sometimes when we see the light at the end of the tunnel. When all you see is the on-coming train, it's not quite so bearable! =)

Besides the housing situation, I won't go into detail about some of our issues that have come up over the past year, but there were some that shook the very ground we walked on and life seemed like a very hard, upward hike to a peak I feared we would never see. I kept thinking to myself, "It's because of your bad attitude Sarah! God is trying to make you get happy before He changes these different situations!" So I would try to get happy and see all the problems magically disappear. Didn't happen. And my attitude always returned. =) Then I would think it was because of this or that, his fault, her fault, etc. I don't know the true answer to why we go through such hard things sometimes, but I guess I have come to the realization that I've got a lot of learning to do and no matter the reason for the hardships, God has something for me to learn through them. Now, do I always enjoy this revelation? No, I do not like learning lessons and I dislike going through these trials to learn them even more. But what do you do? We can't turn them off, we just have to go through them.

Anyway, as many times throughout the past year, one day I was feeling very low, feeling very sorry for myself, and feeling very discouraged. Jonathan wanted me to talk to someone but there just didn't seem like anyone who would understand where I was at or what I was going through. However, the Lord did send a lady I love to talk to me briefly and though she didn't totally understand, she gave me a verse that honestly, smacked me straight across the mouth. I'm very grateful for the verse and I needed that slap. It's found in Deuteronomy 8:1-10, zooming in to verse 2. It's the part where the Israelites were being told that good things were coming and quit complaining...basically. Verse 2 is what instantly so painful.

"And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no."

"To know what was in thine heart"... I was convicted immediately about the state of my heart. My heart condition was tattered and tarnished, an altogether very ugly thing. Now I know the Bible says our hearts are "desperately wicked" and they're never going to be beautiful until we get to heaven, but mine was extra ugly these days. I had complained and cried over so many things, small and great, and lost my focus on being God's child, that my heart had just about uglied away. The rest of the passage continues...

"And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live.

Thy raiment waxed not old upon thee, neither did thy foot swell, these forty years.

Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that, as a man chasteneth his son, so the LORD thy God chasteneth thee.

Therefore thou shalt keep the commandments of the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to fear him.

For the LORD thy God bringeth thee into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and depths that spring out of valleys and hills; A land of wheat, and barley, and vines, and fig trees, and pomegranates; a land of oil olive, and honey....

When thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless the LORD thy God for the good land which he hath given thee." (Deuteronomy 8:2-10, KJV)

We still haven't reached the mountain top, but I'm hopeful that it is there and that we will be able to see the view of where we were to where we made it by following the ever Sunlight that led us in our path. I can't say I have perfect, selfless, brave days all the time...I fall quite often, but the hardest part is knowing that God showed me this verse and convicted me on it. I know what's right to do, it's making that choice to accept it and practice it that is so difficult. Thank the Lord His mercies are new every morning!