Tattered Pieces & Tarnished Edges

I wanted to start writing this blog more for myself than for anyone else. All too often the Lord teaches me something and I reluctantly acknowledge the lesson, only to conveniently forget it so that I can either feel sorry for myself or complain later on when faced with a trial or concern. If no one reads this or any other entry, then that will be fine. It is accountability enough to know these things I've learned are out here on the web for me to look back and remember what the Lord has taught me and brought me through.

For this entry, I wanted to share a little of where I'm at right now and what astonishing state I have found my heart in.

We moved to Pennsylvania a year and almost two months ago. It was a ready change that Jonathan and I both felt we needed to make. Everything seemed to fit into place. Then life happens...as it does everybody...and we were faced with new challenges that, ready or not, we were and are supposed to go through. You know how it goes though - everyone goes through things that they feel is harder than anyone else ever has to go through, when really, when examined, others have it so much harder. Still, your trials are hard for you no matter what you know others deal with.

We moved in June and by July, there was definately something wrong with our little girl. Upon further investigation, she was diagnosed with JIA - Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis. They found the auto-immune disease in both of her knees, both ankles, and in one toe - enough joints that it was apparent it would not be an easy fix. We went through months of trying to get into the specialist, trying new medicines that had scary possible side-effects, and during this time, Emma quit being able to walk. It was a very trying time.

From there things would get worse in different areas of life and then they would lessen up and get a little better...once agian, normal life rollar-coaster moments. Though terribly grateful for a place to live, we have been living with my in-laws for currently one year and two months. Now I have wonderful in-laws, but there is a reason why the Bible says that a man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Everyone has different ways of doing things contrary to the way you think things should be done. That is a very present reality for us, but also, it's difficult when you've been out on your own - your own little family - and suddenly, you're not the Queen of the Castle anymore. You're in someone else's palace where they've been queen for a lot longer...it's their place, their kitchen, their food, their way of doing things and though they go out of their way to make you feel like you have a part in the kingdom, it's just not the same as being the queen in your very own castle. It's hard, I won't lie. And most hope of being our own little family again anytime soon seems to fade away as the days keep passing. That doesn't help either. There's so much we can endure sometimes when we see the light at the end of the tunnel. When all you see is the on-coming train, it's not quite so bearable! =)

Besides the housing situation, I won't go into detail about some of our issues that have come up over the past year, but there were some that shook the very ground we walked on and life seemed like a very hard, upward hike to a peak I feared we would never see. I kept thinking to myself, "It's because of your bad attitude Sarah! God is trying to make you get happy before He changes these different situations!" So I would try to get happy and see all the problems magically disappear. Didn't happen. And my attitude always returned. =) Then I would think it was because of this or that, his fault, her fault, etc. I don't know the true answer to why we go through such hard things sometimes, but I guess I have come to the realization that I've got a lot of learning to do and no matter the reason for the hardships, God has something for me to learn through them. Now, do I always enjoy this revelation? No, I do not like learning lessons and I dislike going through these trials to learn them even more. But what do you do? We can't turn them off, we just have to go through them.

Anyway, as many times throughout the past year, one day I was feeling very low, feeling very sorry for myself, and feeling very discouraged. Jonathan wanted me to talk to someone but there just didn't seem like anyone who would understand where I was at or what I was going through. However, the Lord did send a lady I love to talk to me briefly and though she didn't totally understand, she gave me a verse that honestly, smacked me straight across the mouth. I'm very grateful for the verse and I needed that slap. It's found in Deuteronomy 8:1-10, zooming in to verse 2. It's the part where the Israelites were being told that good things were coming and quit complaining...basically. Verse 2 is what instantly so painful.

^"And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no."

"To know what was in thine heart"... I was convicted immediately about the state of my heart. My heart condition was tattered and tarnished, an altogether very ugly thing. Now I know the Bible says our hearts are "desperately wicked" and they're never going to be beautiful until we get to heaven, but mine was extra ugly these days. I had complained and cried over so many things, small and great, and lost my focus on being God's child, that my heart had just about uglied away. The rest of the passage continues...

"And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live.

Thy raiment waxed not old upon thee, neither did thy foot swell, these forty years.

Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that, as a man chasteneth his son, so the LORD thy God chasteneth thee.

Therefore thou shalt keep the commandments of the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to fear him.

For the LORD thy God bringeth thee into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and depths that spring out of valleys and hills; A land of wheat, and barley, and vines, and fig trees, and pomegranates; a land of oil olive, and honey....

When thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless the LORD thy God for the good land which he hath given thee." (Deuteronomy 8:2-10, KJV)

We still haven't reached the mountain top, but I'm hopeful that it is there and that we will be able to see the view of where we were to where we made it by following the ever Sunlight that led us in our path. I can't say I have perfect, selfless, brave days all the time...I fall quite often, but the hardest part is knowing that God showed me this verse and convicted me on it. I know what's right to do, it's making that choice to accept it and practice it that is so difficult. Thank the Lord His mercies are new every morning!