A lot of my blog entries have been pretty morbid, sprinkled with a little hope and aspiration, but mostly, they have been kind of bleak. Truly, I can't help it. Life has been happening and times have been rough. Just can't sugar coat that and feel honest with you or myself at the same time. However, today something terrible happened and when it struck, I should have crawled under a blanket and cried until morning, but instead, something amazing happened: I didn't.
I woke up this morning with every ounce of confidence imaginable that today we were going to have our offer accepted on a house...a dream house to me...far better than I could have imagined in our price range. To some it might seem like a faux fur coat, but to me it was genuine mink. My dad wanted us to have one last look at it and take someone who could check it out a little more thorough than us and then we were going to put our final bid down. It was a done deal. I had already decorated the entire house in my mind. Picking out paint samples would be a waste of time because everything was figured out in my mind with this house. The little garden out back I would have was practically producing tomatoes!
After surveying the house one more time, we were getting ready to leave when our realtor checked a message he had just gotten on his fancy phone. Low and behold, horror of horrors, an email came through like poison filling the air, saying, "Seller has accepted another offer." In five words, my dream home was ripped out of my hands and we were homeless again in a matter of seconds. It was a sad feeling and I teared up, apparent to our wonderful and patient realtor and our pastor who had come to look at the house for us. There wasn't time to cry, my Jonathan wasn't there to hug the tears away, so I put it aside thinking that later I would sit down and have myself a good cry. After all, this was the third house we lost.
My mother-in-law, two crying kids, and I rode back to the house - not my house, just "the house" - and the strangest feeling came over me. Usually a little grey cloud comes and settles over me upon arriving at "the house" and follows me up to my room where it hovers until I leave the premises again. This time, however was not so! It was not the sad feeling of seeing "the house", and knowing I was going to have to go through those doors again for an uncertain amount of time. It was not the heavy-hearted feeling of despair. It was something I can honestly say I have never felt in this housing situation: peace.
I know! It seemed crazy! I can talk the optimistic talk, I can even walk it from time to time, but once the sun goes down, and the kids have zapped my energy, and it's just me and the Lord - I have to be honest, I am saved by the Blood of Jesus, but I am human, and I struggle. I do not take being homeless well. But here things have not changed - I'm still taking my laundry to get it washed somewhere else, I'm still cooped up in my little room, I'm still the other woman in a castle not my own, but IT IS OKAY! You have no idea how big this is in my life right now. I have peace in my life concerning my salvation and other issues, but this particular issue was anything BUT peaceful. It's been turmoil all the way. You cannot imagine my shock when I waited for my heart to break and found it to be joyful and...(gasp) happy? Yes, cannot begin to tell you my bewilderment.
I had been reading through the New Testament again, but dealing with all these things in high gear the last several months, I switched to Psalms. It has encouraged me so much. Honestly, a lot of times when I just wanted to get my Bible reading in and say I did it, Psalms and Proverbs were my books that I could read something and say, "I read it Lord!" But going back through Psalms now, searching for comfort and hope has been a balm on my sores and I highly recommend that if you are going through a rough patch right now, go through it, read it, meditate on it, and let it comfort you.
Psalm 4:1: Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.
Psalm 8:4-6: What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:
Psalm 13: How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O LORD my God...But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 17:5-8: Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not. I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me, and hear my speech. Shew thy marvellous lovingkindness, O thou that savest by thy right hand them which put their trust in thee from those that rise up against them. Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings...
The verses could go on forever! So many verses talk of how the Lord will take care of the righteous and oh how that made me sigh because so very, very often in this situation have I failed from striving for righteousness. Some days I can honestly say I don't even try. But I praise the Lord that He loves me and He knows my heart, He knows my up-risings and my down-settings. He knows I'm but dust. Isn't that incredible??? And yet He loves us. Nothing short of amazing.
This verse pretty much sums up everything I'm trying to convey in this entry...
Psalm 16:9-11: Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope...thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
Definitely cannot promise that I won't have a down day. Definitely cannot say that I will not feel sad or in despair again, but I do know that this feeling of peace and joy even when it doesn't make sense to have it is incredible and I want to keep it. I wish I could adequately explain to you this experience, but hopefully you've felt it before or will feel it when you need to. And if you don't know the One Who can give you this hope, I hope you accept into your life today. He is the One Who can help us face tomorrow, if it comes. And if doesn't, I know I'll just be in His presence.
Until then, I just wanted to shout it from the browser how encouraged, how hopeful, and how joyful I am today in what the Lord is doing in my life. Whatever your trial or burden, I pray you feel that same joy in the midst of it and if not yet, then soon...very soon.
Psalm 16:9-11: Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope...thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
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